Dopplegangbang

11Apr06

Over the past twenty years, I've been told that I look like:

  1. Gene Kelly
    "A young Gene Kelly," the girls birds in the steno pool at my London office were quick to add (back when "young" could accurately be used to describe me). I'm guessing the other possibilities would be "an old Gene Kelly" or "a dead Gene Kelly". But it's a helluva compliment, and one which, while I don't see it at all, I'll certainly accept since, hey, the guy was suave and talented and handsome and, man, that dancer's ass? I've never had a butt like that (and, hell, as the years fly by, never will) but this is the you-look-like of which I'm most flattered.
       
  2. Jean Reno
    This one came from an ex (of whom I am still very fond). I can kinda see it, when I'm all unshaven and grey and scruffy and bleary-eyed. There was definitely a time, circa Léon (The Professional), when Jean Reno was totally the shit — all sexy and supercompetent and deadly and stuff. Not so much these days, but I still dig his work, and he manages to acquit himself even in the worst kind of merde like Godzilla, so we're still in The Cool Zone. The aforementioned ex had more of a thing for Jean Reno than he did for me (kidding!) but, hey, he's a peach and he gave me a much-coveted, ultrageeky (and, I'm told, rare) Skywalker Ranch cap.
       
  3. Steven Spielberg
    Okay. I have grey hair. And a beard, usually. And when I travel I wear my wire-rimmed glasses. And, for a time, I wore the Skywalker Ranch cap mentioned above. That does not give little kids the right to point at me in airports and whisper to their dads "look… Steven Spielberg!" because,well, ew. Also? War of the Worlds. 'Nuff said.
       
  4. George Lucas
    Now you're just being mean, you kids. When I travel and don't wear my glasses (but do wear my Skywalker Ranch cap), that's no reason to point and whisper to your dad "look… George Lucas!" because, first, I may need to lose a few but I am not that fat. Second, I am not that socially inept. Third, I'd like to think that I didn't peak 30 years ago. Fourth, my social circle does not consist solely of children — my own or anyone else's. Fifth? God! Did you actually sit through Revenge of the Sith? GOD! Sixth? Ew. Ew ew ew!

Unless, of course, your dad is totally hot like the banker-dad on 24 who got killed last night. In which case I'm all: "hi there, my name is George Lucas. After I sign a couple of autographs for your kids, can I buy you a drink?"

Oh, addenda:

  1. There's an "actor" whose nom de porn is the same as mine. This would be unremarkable if it were not for the fact that he and I have met and, well, never mind.
  2. If I did drag — and, believe me, you don't ever want me to do drag — my drag name would be, without any hesitation whatsoever, "Amber Alertt".


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