Charlton Heston Turned Me Gay

16Jun06

Y’know, there’s nothing quite as uninteresting as a coming-out story, so, in honour of the upcoming borefest known as “Pride Day”, here’s my bid to give Charlton Heston a stroke…

Many, many inverts can name for you the moment at which they “knew” they were gay. Not just different-gay but oh, yeah, got-to-get-me-some-of-that-mansex-gay.

I can name for you the precise moment that I became gay.

It was not when my father forced me to shower with the other men at Charleswood Golf Club after a rousing eighteen holes with him and his buddies — “don’t dawdle, we’re all men here!” he’d goad, amid the clouds of baby powder created by the wrinkled geezers who padded naked around the locker room — and it was not when my grandmother allowed me to bake those brownies at the cottage and it was not at the sight of my Tom Selleck-esque junior high school gym teacher in his sweaty y-fronts after volleyball practice.

It was Chuck Heston. In the summer of 1970. Charlton Heston totally turned me gay.

Yes, he of the impenetrably wooden acting, he who would have his Constitutionally-protected gun pried from his cold, dead fingers, he who denied aggressively and publicly that Judah Ben-Hur’s best friend Messala was ever more than “just” a friend, he who discovered what soylent green was, he who is no friend to damn, dirty apes.

And it was that ape movie that started the process. I mean, for god’s sake, how is someone genetically-predisposed to homosexualism supposed to resist the awesome, ubermasculine tastiness of this:

Chuck Heston as I'll always remember him, nearly naked and holding a gun

…only bare-ass naked, shot from the rear, his lean, proud, hard-muscled butt diving into the lake with his other, equally-naked astronaut “buddies” at the start of 1968’s Planet of the Apes? Fercryinoutloud, come on! Like a lighting bolt to the nads, baby.

How many thousands of times did I fantasize about spending, oh, eternity, marooned on that planet with Chuck, swimming naked all day long and lazing around, drying our matted chest hair on the rocks in the late afternoon sun? Eleventy-thousand times, is how many.

And, to make matters worse, the dad whose kids I was babysitting in the early 70s just happened to have a stack of Playboys in his home office, including the March 1970 issue, which featured a photo of Chuck on the set of Julius Caesar. Clad only in what appeared to be a buckskin pouch!

It was at that exact moment, when I was entering the most fervently onanistic period of my early-adult existence, with two years of ape-planet-naked-swimming percolating in my genes jeans genes, that I turned homo. Poring over that photo of Charlton Heston, over and over and over. Hairy, tall, lean-muscled, decidedly masculine. Hot.

Sure, I found out later he’s a total dick, but, hey, at that time I thought all movie stars were smart and cultured and politically-aware, too, so I can’t really be blamed for my extreme naïveté. Also, I lived in Winnipeg, and, I mean, geez. Anyway, to deny that every man who’s held a particularly close, emotio-sexual place in my life bears at least some tiny resemblance to Chuck would be foolish.

Charlton Heston, you made me the bad wolf that I am today, and I am so your bitch. You damn, dirty Republican.



8 Responses to “Charlton Heston Turned Me Gay”

  1. what an influential guy. turned me into a lesbian. bless him, he’s done so much good in the world.

  2. This is awesome 🙂

  3. 3 Luciferus

    Okay, that was hilarious. I vividly remember seeing Heston’s ass on our old black-and-white TV some Saturday afternoon back in the 70s and sensing some far off call. For years I watched the movie when it was on TV just WAITING for the ass scene, and either missing it altogether by tuning in too late, seeing an edited for TV version that eliminated it, or generally believing I had dreamed the whole thing. I have not seen Chuck Heston’s ass since that languid afternoon and I am so happy to learn that I am not mad.

    However. I definitely grooved to showering with my dad and eyeing other dads at the gym before Heston mooned me. I usually say that reruns of Ba Ba Blacksheep (or Wild Wild West, for that matter) with the often shirtless Robert Conrad made me gay, but it might as well have been Heston’s ass. Thank you for this though-provoking post.

  4. 4 bstewart23

    Dude, Robert Conrad definitely had it going on. The shots at Brian's Drive-In Theatre are wildly erotic, especially given the mantastic, soldiery and surfery context. And, by all means, check out the second page. The man could really rock the Speedos, for serious.

  5. 5 Wayneski

    Are you kidding! I used to cut school to watch planet of the apes and masturbate. I had the house and Charlton all to myself. Not only did he firmly assure me I was gay, he made my grades go down in the process. I still fondle myself and get nothing done on occasion when a good heston shirtless flick is on. And here I am using just a few more moments to tell you, oy vey………………

  6. 6 Dee Cee

    I am in love with you. I feel like I have dated you, and have fallen in love with you and am living with you in some alternative universe. Oh my god, what a great post. I had a somewhat similar experience with “Chuck” when I was 13 and saw “Planet.” I somehow talked two women into taking me to see the movie, because I knew I couldn’t get in because I was too young and the movie had a “rating” to prevent sex-crazed about-to-become homo-ettes from viewing anything that might pique their interest.

    At any rate… I got in and saw Chuck in his buck-naked glory and I was turning into an orgasmic being at the sight. What a day! Burned into my memory as sharply as the burn on my pinafore dress after I baked an apple brown betty the other… oh, I’m sorry. I’m getting carried away.

    Anyway… you are a hot man! I love your picture! I will probably never meet you, but, I loved your story and I can’t wait to read everything else you’ve written, and if I ever stumble into that parallel universe, I hope you’ll be waiting there for me with open arms.

    Yours,
    Dee

  7. 7 tom

    He wasn’t a very good person.


  1. 1 Green on Thursday #18 « This. That. No Other.

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