Signage I Must Have Missed in the Last Week

  • Please poo on toilet seats.
  • This ABM station for cellphone calls only.
  • 24-Hour Bike Lane: Parking Allowed 7:00 AM – 7:00 PM.
  • '8 Items or Less' a suggestion, not rule.
  • Cellphone use encouraged in cinema during opening credits.
  • Proper personal hygiene not required for old men in gym.
  • Apartment lobby becomes children's playground on weekends.
  • CITY-TV weather forecasts for entertainment purposes only.
  • Walking to bathroom on heels at 4:00 AM encouraged.
  • "Widescreen" on DVD box no guarantee of widescreen movie within; Also: no refunds.
  • Couples and families must hold hands while descending subway steps.
  • Paul McCartney still newsworthy.
  • "Visa" decal on store window for decoration only.
  • Teenaged boys must loudly repeat stories about girl with biggest tits ever.
  • This section of clothing-optional beach reserved for fat, ugly, creepy, old masturbators.
  • World Cup-inspired horn-honking after midnight only.
  • Men please lower toilet seats before peeing.
  • This hallway reserved for shouting matches and door-slamming tests.
  • Please choose narrowest point in passageway to stop and search through purse for cellphone.
  • Leave bottles and newspapers in hallway; someone else will take them to recycling room for you.
  • Caution: Gay men in gym sauna unable to keep hands off loud, smelly, unattractive accountants.
  • "Sale $14.99" refers to every item on table except yours.
  • Please deposit discarded paper towels on washroom floor.
  • Speak loudly into cellphone; Everyone in restaurant can't hear you.
  • Please maintain 3m distance between you and the person in front of you in ferry line.
  • Latecomers may choose any seat in theatre; Early-arrivers must move to accommodate.
  • Sweaty, menstruating women must use elliptical trainer beside greying gay man.
  • Global Television not responsible for lowering of national I.Q. or viewer self-immolation.
  • Food-service wait times of over one hour are normal.
  • Poor fit for Calvin Klein briefs guaranteed.
  • Saturday transactions posted next business day (Wednesday).
  • Do not alert custodial staff to washroom fouling.

5 Responses to “Signage I Must Have Missed in the Last Week”

  1. 1 C

    As crusty as ever! 😛

  2. 2 Sars

    Should I ask you to provide proof of menstruation? Or should I just trust you?

    …I’m just going to trust you.

  3. 3 bstewart23

    Sars, you know that cliché about when you lose one sense, the others become stronger? Well, since I lost the sense of joy brought by cigarettes, my sense of smel — aw, jeez, y'know what? Just trust me.

  4. 4 drunken monkey

    “World Cup-inspired horn-honking after midnight only.”

    What is UP with that? If they must honk, why aren’t they doing it immediately following the game? That would at least be during daylight hours.

  5. thats funny as hell… i love “Saturday transactions posted next business day (Wednesday)” nice blog btw!

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