Actual Gay Conversations #3


While IMming with an acquaintance last night:

Bitch555: So, I didn’t see you and your man at FFN on the weekend.

bstewart23: We spent all weekend trimming our back hair to reproduce our favourite New Yorker cartoons. “FFN”? You mean “Folsom Fair North”?

Bitch555: It’s “Fun Fête North”, or something like that, now.

bstewart23: You’re joking, I hope. That’s… 100% lame. No longer “Folsom Fair North”? It’s exactly the same thing, right?

Bitch555: Yeah, they can’t really call it that any more.

bstewart23: Why, because it was a derivative, unimaginative name to begin with, totally blatant evidence of the Canadian Lack of Self-Confidence and the Taste Police issued them a summons? Or because the moneygrubbers in charge couldn’t be bothered to pay licensing fees to the San Francisco originators?

Bitch555: It’s got something to do with licensing problems, yeah.

bstewart23: I figured. Shocker.

Bitch555: Why are you so down on it? It’s 4 a good cause.

bstewart23: What cause is that? Soaking Toronto Fags for Every Dime (STFFED)? I can get behind that.

Bitch555: STIFFED, lol. No, it’s a protest against US Immigration restrictions on HIV positive travelers.

bstewart23: Gee, the way I heard it, a year before the first event, it was because ____ was refused entry after kicking up a stink at US Customs when he was on the way to Provincetown to spend the summer at Canadian taxpayer and insurance company expense. You know: you seroconvert and, bingo, society should foot the bill for a good, long vacation.

Bitch555: Well, that’s not what their materials say now.

bstewart23: Gee. Wonder why. “I have to go on disability because I’m too stressed-out to work, but not too stressed-out to go to the gym and sit on the beach while detoxing from the party the night before. Poor, poz me!” What an insult to all my friends who never got the opportunity to just *live* past 30.

Bitch555: And an insult to all the poz guys who feel they should still work and be contributing members of society, not freeloaders. Well, we had fun, anyway. You used to go to those things all the time, you even went to the REAL Folsom Street Fair.

bstewart23: Yeah, and it was around the time that I saw a fully-naked, crystal-tweaked pornstar out on the street at Folsom “County” Fair, whose suntan was the colour of raw steak, desperately masturbating his unresponsive wiener for a group of scrambling Asian tourists, frantically clicking their cellphone cameras, that I decided to maybe rethink the whole inyerface sexuality thing.

Bitch555: Really? That really happened? Well, the dance was fun.

bstewart23: Where, at the overpriced party in that torn-down sweat-hole, The Opera House? Where they blow up four condoms (that they probably got for free from AIDS Committee of Toronto) and call them “decorations”?

Bitch555: And adding Molson Dry streamers and Coors Lite pennants everywhere is REALLY going all-out?

bstewart23: And where sissies you saw the week before at The Black Eagle (in pleated Dockers and pink polo shirts with the collars turned up) giggle like tourists in the makeshift backroom?

Bitch555: No, we went to the afternoon dance in the park. It was only 5 bucks. You used to go to The Black Eagle. All. The. Time, lady.

bstewart23: Yeah, until I looked around The BEagle and saw all the Hawaiian shirts and capri pants with glitter armbands that kept slipping off their bicep with every sip of their Crantini, screeching and overlaughing with their friend with B.O. — I mean, “manscent” — who probably calls himself a “muscle bear” but in reality looks way too much like Edith Massey in “Female Trouble.”

Bitch555: Ouch! Like I said, we had fun.

bstewart23: Well, I’m happy for you. See, I’d have problems with all the sexual tourists cooing like high-school girls over each others’ “edgy” outfits that they bought last week. And with the five or six truly hot guys basking in all the adoration from the less-than-hot guys, like they’re some kind of superstars.

Bitch555: Christ, u got an attitude. I’m glad u weren’t there, 2.

bstewart23: Ya think? And quit it with the Prince-talk.

Bitch555: Sorry. LOL. Is it impossible for you to let other people enjoy themselves?

bstewart23: How am I preventing other people from enjoying themselves? I’m totally in favour of letting your freak flag fly! But when the freak flag you choose to fly is tattered and sad and desperate, it kind of overwhelms any sense of fun for me. And they chose to go out in public like that, looking torn-down and desperate for validation. They actually picked that outfit for the occasion. Obviously their friends don’t like them very much.

Bitch555: Well, there were still lots of hot guys in leather.

bstewart23: I’m sure there were a few. But somehow the normalization of so-called “deviant” sexuality – that is, people strutting their kink on a Sunday afternoon in a public park as if it was a regular Sunday afternoon thing – actually decreases my libido. It de-kinks the kink, so to speak. All that energy expended in an attempt to titillate and such achingly little success in doing so… That just decreases my libido even more.

Bitch555: Why should someone else’s lady-lust decrease yours?

bstewart23: Dude, I did a search on Flickr earlier today for “Folsom Fair North”. Excuse me if I was less than aroused by the results.

Bitch555: I’m surprised you haven’t blogged about it.

bstewart23: Why don’t I just post this IM log, then?

Bitch555: Like I want anyone to know we’re friends! And it won’t make YOU any friends.

bstewart23: I’ll change your name. How does “Bitch555” work for you? In honour of your tendency to shout “555!” at a movie screen whenever they pull that fake phone number thing.

Bitch555: If the shoe fits…

bstewart23: In your case, rainbow-striped Keds. And I’ve said nothing to you I wouldn’t say to anyone’s face. I’m old enough to have buried more than a few friends and can speak to *real* discrimination against poz queens, not discrimation-as-a-marketing-pitch. And, for fuck’s sake, I can’t stand it when Toronto homos see a turd tied up with a ribbon and call it “fabulous!”

Bitch555: It’s called supporting the community, hon.

bstewart23: It’s a population, not a community, and stuff gets supported in Toronto that would be laughed out of any real city. Turd-with-a-ribbon, baby.

Bitch555: A turd is a turd is a turd. But… chacun à son goût.

bstewart23: Exactly. You’re lucky I have more than one friend with a Frenchie keyboard, lest anyone draw conclusions, y’know. Off to the gym… Lates!

(Edited to add links and to correct spelling; basically, to make us look a whole lot more articulate than we were…)

2 Responses to “Actual Gay Conversations #3”

  1. 1 tits-up

    omg, you’re beautiful.
    have any single lesbo friends with your level of snark?

  2. 2 bstewart23

    Hey, thanks! Sadly, all of my lesbian pals are already encumbered with girlfriends. I promise, however, to alert blog visitors to any change in their status.

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