Proposed Anti-Stupidity Legislation

14Aug06

I’ve stated this before, and it should come as a surprise to no one, but I must urge in the strongest way possible whichever government bodies deal with citizen dunderheadedness, whichever regulatory commission under whose aegis this falls, to immediately enact legislation outlawing public stupidity, and to empower officials within designated organizations to perform triage in any public place, to remove from influence everywhere the painfully stupid, the utterly clueless and the woefully inept.

My dream airport

It’s simple, really. Pass laws banning public stupidity. And empower agents to remove the stupid from any contact with the reasonably intelligent. The laws will be manifest thusly:

  1. “8 Items or Less” line violators will have their number of fingers reduced to 8, for obvious reasons. The government is here to help.
  2. “You Must Have an IQ Greater Than 7 x 24 – 60 to Enter Through This Gate” signage will appear at all public queues, especially at amusement facilities, cinemas and airports. Failure to answer the mathematical equation correctly (and minor variations thereof) within 20 seconds will result in guards immediately repositioning the stupid at the end of the line. Sans kneecaps. Because we just know that there’ll be a dispute about admission fees, payment methods and whether you really do have a “constitutional right” to bring your own, open beer can into the facility.
  3. Paying for a regular coffee at Starbucks with a credit card will result in instant death by firing squad.
  4. Dumb secretaries who want to “treat” themselves to a “special” coffee at “Starbucks” at 2PM, yet cannot decide whether to have caramel or sprinkles on their grande mocha latte, since they had sprinkles yesterday and since, oh, they should really stick to their diet but, oh, it’s soooo good and, oh, they really need to treat theirself since their boss is such a jerk but, oh, it’s a bit pricier than what they brought with them and, oh, can they borrow a quarter from their co-secretary and pay her back when they get upstairs, no, wait, maybe if they just get sprinkles or caramel and not both and, oh, maybe whipped cream, too? Those secretaries must be fired from their jobs and made to work in slaughterhouses, I don’t care, anywhere that’s not in front of me at 2PM, you stupid, indecisive cows.
  5. Your Battlestar Gallactica DVD rental, the one I’ve been waiting for, must be returned on time or you will taste the vengeance of my people.
  6. “Buses, Taxis and Bikes ONLY” does not now mean “Cars may use this lane for passing”, nor has it ever meant that; on conviction your car will be dropped on top of your head from a height of no less than 5 feet for every mile per hour you were travelling when you passed my bike by three inches, you asshole.
  7. Stupid people must be forcibly prevented, by goons with electric prods, from stopping at the narrowest point in any passageway to dig around in their purse/mansack for their cellphone or whatever ridiculous item they absolutely need to get at, like, right then. I don’t know why it’s just nonlesbian women and gay men, and I’m not saying it’s all nonlesbian women and gay men (just the stupid ones), but if there are directions to be re-thought and passageways to be clogged, the narrowest part of an aisle, sidewalk or the foot of the escalator is always used to debate the matter by members only of those groups, who must be ushered along with a “keep moving, ladies” from the goons, accompanied by a sharp buzzing sound and, predictably, high-pitched shrieking.
  8. When you are honked at for parking in the NO PARKING ANYTIME lane, on a two-lane street during rush hour, if your response is anything other than “sorry, buddy, I’ll move it right this second”, you will be vapourized by lasers on orbiting space stations.
  9. The Global Television Network will be melted down and sold as scrap.
  10. Bringing an electric frypan in your carry-on luggage (true story!) does not mark you as a terrorist. It does, however, mark you as too stupid to internationally represent your country, so your passport will be confiscated and you’ll be sent home.
  11. Driving your Escalade (white, with gold trim) up onto the sidewalk of the busiest street in Canada at 6PM on a Saturday night, to woo honeys dressed in sparkly outfits four sizes too small, not only is dangerous to all non-honey pedestrians but indicates your unwillingness to accept that others co-exist on this planet. Thus you will be banished to The Phantom Zone and we’ll see how far your sweet talk gets you with General Zod.
  12. I don’t care how drunk you are. Yelling that you’re sooo drunk only makes it worse and, seriously, is redundant beyond words. “Belabouring the obvious” runs treacherously close to “stupid”, and your liver will be removed lest you damage it further.
  13. Sharing stories about your “life transformation” through yoga is stultifyingly boring but not quite worthy of punishment beyond all the eye-rolling that goes on behind your back already.
  14. By this point in human evolution, everyone should be aware that after your purchases are tallied by the cashier, you must pay for them. Have your wallet or purse ready to do so. Making the cashier and those behind you wait while you act all surprised and rummage through your belongings to find it and then count out nickles and pennies for exact change will result in confiscation of your wallet or purse and your photograph will be published in Stupid Shopper Weekly. And you’ll be stabbed in the face.
  15. The hamper right beside the place on the locker room floor where you dropped your wet gym towels was, not coincidentally, placed there precisely for the purpose of holding wet gym towels. Look! Inside!!! Wet gym towels! Under the proposed legislation, that will be the last thing your eyes will ever see.
  16. Butting into a line of any kind “just to ask a question” is strictly prohibited, as everyone already in the line is “just there to ask a question”, too, or “just there to buy some milk” and you, poor fool, are “just going to the hospital” with a dislocated shoulder from forced ejection.

When did it happen? When did people become so goddamned oblivious to everyone else’s needs, their time and their personal space? Check back in 12 months when we review the results of these new laws.



18 Responses to “Proposed Anti-Stupidity Legislation”

  1. 1 John A

    my staff thanks you for 3 and 4. you’d be surprised how many students will get booked for number 3.

  2. 2 bstewart23

    The thing that kills me about not having the $2-3 cash on hand for a coffee is that the next purchase (and the next one) will unquestionably be paid for with a credit card, too, extending line-up lengths throughought the city. I am forever amazed at people who don’t always have twenty bucks on hand for cheap eats (or whatever).

    I have a friend with whom I cannot do anything unless a visit to the automated teller is involved. Hey, take forty bucks out of the machine on your way to meet me! I know it’s crazy, carrying all that cash, but pretend you’re a Rockefeller, pal, and spare us the additional ten minutes in a queue watching some dickwad talking on his cellphone instead of punching in his PIN at the cash machine.

  3. 3 Andy

    What’s worse then people paying for stuff with credit cards, is when they pay by checks. Especially when they don’t start filling in everything except the amount when their stuff is being wrung up.
    More annoying stuff that stupid people do:
    http://duckbrown.wordpress.com/2006/07/11/when-there-are-not-enough-rocks-from-1996/

  4. 4 Hazel Stone

    Shouldn’t it be “8 items or fewer?”

    I blame the stores, not you.

  5. 5 bstewart23

    Indeed. The sign guy? Dead man walking.

  6. And all this time I thought Canadians weren’t as stupid as us Americans. Stupid me.

    However, I have a simpler solution to the problem of stupid people in queues. Create two queues, labeled “SMART PEOPLE” and “STUPID PEOPLE.” The stupid people all think they’re smart, so they’ll get in the smart people line. Meanwhile, the truly smart people don’t care if people think they’re stupid, so they’ll use the empty stupid line.

  7. 7 analysis

    I like Al’s idea. I also have to say that sometimes paying by credit card is no slower than cash – CVS for example lets you swipe as they ring up, and then when it’s done you don’t have to sign. Checks on the other hand…ALWAYS take forever.

    The dumb laws should apply to people who make the registers – if you can’t swipe your card while the totals are being calculated, …

  8. lol, i love it.

  9. 9 Ttttaryn

    Instead of lynching folks for #3, perhaps we could simply adopt the practice of Starbucks in the US? Any purchase of under $25 on a credit doesn’t have to signed for.

    Simple! No change has to be given. And really, in support of the non-cash carrying hordes, who wants to touch all that germ-covered money?

  10. 10 Jonathan Bernstein

    (sound of applause from Southern California for your blog concept).

    How about some others rules/laws to deal with stupidity, such as:

    Requiring that if an able person can’t get their carry-on into an overhead compartment on an airline within 10 seconds they get pushed down an escape chute?

    Mandating that telephone customer service reps serving American customers be able to speak English with an accent recognizable to 95% of the citizens of the United States (the other five percent, I will assume, are too stupid to understand even well-spoken English).

  11. 11 nerr

    this is brilliant. LOVE IT. and thank you.

  12. amen brother. if i had a dime for all the times i got shouting-with-rage-upset with the stupidity of people i’d be so high for the rest of my life. i particularly appreciate your wish for these people to be exterminated.

  13. 13 Ian

    I am SO with you on this, especially the coffee line/credit card people. I can’t wait for these vapourizing lasers to be 100% legal. I guess there wouldn’t be many people left, though…

  14. Oops, I was sort of guilty of #3 today. Only it wasn’t in Starbucks and there wasn’t a line. I was at lunch in a Mexican restaurant, and just before my check arrived, I remembered I was going to stop at the ATM, there being only a dollar in my wallet. I really hate using plastic for anything less than $20, because when I see other people do it, I think, “Sheesh, you’re so broke you gotta buy a taco on credit?” So I felt stupid. Leaving a 25% tip helped me feel only a little less stupid.

  15. 15 Yaser

    I’m not going to lie, I’ve often done number three as well. Don’t hate.

  16. 16 Lynn S

    I’m not stupid but I am math challenged. I object to #2. (Yeah, I finally figured it out but it took me longer than 20 seconds)


  1. 1 Niner and Associates » Blog Archive » Proposed Anti-Stupidity Legislation
  2. 2 dustbury.com

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