A Potential New Gym Arch-Nemesis

29Aug06

Rockwell “Rocky” Balboardroom

“Trying hard now…”

From his pinstriped suits to his Dale Carnegie-style, aggressive overfriendliness, Rockwell Balboardroom is clearly a man of power and influence, having achieved (one assumes) a considerable measure of success in his 20-odd years in investment banking (or advertising senior account-repping for Canada’s Conservative “party” (or some other odious profession)).

Tall, blandly-handsome with greying temples framing his clean-shaven face, Rockwell could stand to lose a few and is clearly determined to do so before the next shareloders’ meeting. Through hard work and sweat, baby, and from exceedingly ostentatious workout displays learned from certain, Philadelphia-based boxing movies, he’s gonna make sure everybody knows he’s got it covered. He’s taking the ball, running with it and thinking outside of the box(er).

“Getting strong now…”

From across the gym, between your iPod selections, you can hear the grunting and the sharp exhalation of breath, clearly the sounds of a powerlifter pressing twice his weight. Er, no, it’s Rockwell, doing warmup stretches and calisthenics, robed in grey sweatpants, a grey sweatshirt and white, terry-towel ascot. The only thing missing from his ensemble is a certain, iconic movie character’s watch cap and gloves (but it is summertime, so those accessories may eventually materialize).

“Won’t be long now…”

And now for some jumping jacks and more side-to-side stretching and twisting, with the towel stretched taut and, most importantly, with every gesture making sure that everyone who can still hear and see is aware of his presence and how goddamned hard he’s pushing the envelope. Stretch and grunt! Streeetttccchhh and GRUNT! And a stop at the water fountain for a few gulps of hydration, punctuated with a “GAAAHHHHHHHHHH!”, just loud enough for old ladies in Minnesota to hear.

Too bad my entire workouts always seem to end before his warmup does. I can only imagine the type-A display of team-building excellence he exhibits while “pumping iron”. I do believe I actually heard him say “no pain, no gain!” to someone.

“Gonna fly now…”

In fairness, Rockwell is doing an actual workout. The sweat is real. But making sure everyone knows it is surreal. Also? Warming up does not require vocalization.

Mitigating Factors Reducing Arch-Nemesisness: he’s kinda hot and doesn’t have b.o..

On the other hand: mild gangrene-breath.



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