Newsstand-up Comedy


So, when Champ and I were en route to NYC this past weekend, we had ample opportunity, while not consuming any liquids or gels (lest last-minute changes to security regulations prohibit their consumption), to peruse the meagre literary offerings at Pearson International Airport, since Pearson International Airport is an International Fucking Embarrassment when it comes to shopping and eating amenities for the seasoned traveller.

On the lonely newsstand, arranged with marketing precision, were this month’s manstyle magazines. Now, it’s been some time since I’ve actually purchased one of these irrelevant rags, since I long ago learned that I should shave with the grain and that sit-ups with the legs held stationary are bad for my lower back. Also, style mags have disappeared from my barber and dentist’s waiting areas, in favour of sportier fare like Flare. I kid you not.

Anyway. This month’s Esquire features muscular, studly, new-Bond Daniel Craig. On GQ is perenniel coverman Clive Owen. Both Brits, both endowed with more talent, rough-hewn handsomeness, fuckability and style than most mere mortals could wish for:

Daniel Craig heats up Esquire Clive Owen smolders on GQ

And then there’s Details, featuring style icon (if unironic trucker hats + molded polystyrene girlfriends = style) and MILF-joke punchline Ashton Kutcher:

Ashton Fucking Kutcher?

I know, I know. When you think “Triumvirate of Style”, you just naturally think Daniel Craig, Clive Owen and Ashton Kutcher. (I can’t fault him, though, for wanting to watch Demi get dressed rather than club-hop with Diddy; I’d rather chew off my own testicles than club-hop with Diddy).

I’m old enough to remember a time when Details once was a relatively hip, Manhattan, nightlife magazine. Oh, how the mighty-semicool have fallen. But the cover story, featuring such pearls of Kutcher wisdom as “If she wears black, so do you. matching isn’t her job. It’s yours. You’re the purse.”, is just an teaser to the other treasures within, like the spectacularly unfunny “Gay or ______?”, a lame attempt to steal, on a monthly basis, some cachet from the awesome Blair Magazine “Gay or Eurotrash” game from a few years ago (and now, sadly, available only through the Wayback Machine).

But it gets worse, much worse: “Is ‘Straight’ the New ‘Square’?” asks Details and, besides being an utterly idiotic (and dated) concept, the meandering piece makes an attempt to decry “heterophobia”, a mythical nonissue completely undeserving of even a moment’s thought.

Details is a joke now, right? A high-concept joke like National Lampoon’s High School Yearbook? Right? Right?

5 Responses to “Newsstand-up Comedy”

  1. 1 taverbeck

    careful buddy…you’re pissing all over my livelihood. some people bring home a paycheck due to these ‘irrelevant rags’…. 😉

  2. 2 bstewart23

    Kind of an arm’s-length relationship in your case, though, isn’t it, T? And, my guess is that there are rags more relevant to your particular livelihood than Esquire or GQ, right? I mean, if I wanted to look at the newest clothes, I’d go for the thicker, glossier, $$$ier magazines. And besides, implicit in my categorization is “irrelevant” to me.

  3. 3 taverbeck

    unfortunately gq is the men’s style-arbiter for the pedestrian masses – albeit the straight ones. we try to not bite the hand that feeds us in the ultra-glam fashion business. in the words of ‘project runway’s’ heidi klum: ‘one day you’re in, the next day you’re out.’ truer words couldn’t be spoken when you’re desperately hanging on to your brand’s shining moment. but hey – relevant is subjective all around.

  4. 4 bstewart23

    Gee, decades years ago, when I used to buy the sort of stuff that GQ includes in their editorial content, I was swayed more by what I saw in shops than what I saw in magazines. I understand your point, though, and in an effort to make amends for the (arm’s length, once-removed) hand-biting, guess who’s going to be wearing his ________ shirts and underwear every day this week?

  5. 5 BT

    Thanks for sharing. I re-upped by subscription to Details. It soes have some noteworthy gay content sometimes. Yea, I read it for the articles.

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