Two Modest Suggestions for the Improvement of the Television Experience


1) Cut It the Fuck Out With Those Teaser News Items

“Where is Toronto’s garbage going? We’ll tell you on NewsLocal, at 11!”

Hearing the above pretty-much guarantees that I will cease to give a damn about where Toronto’s garbage is going and absolutely guarantees that I will not be tuning in to NewsLocal at 11 (or any other time in the foreseeable future). Had you said “Toronto ships its garbage to London; details at 11!”, I’d watch. But you didn’t. So I won’t.

2) You Seriously Need to Jazz Up Your Historical Dramas

I’m looking at you, Canadian Broadcasting Corporation. You insist on producing an endless stream of unwatchable historical dramas — the latest, René Lévesque, is so pre-tiresome that even the promotional copy can’t get more excited about its subject than to say he was a passionate chain-smoker. So… how to fix the situation?

Three words (which can actually fix any lame premise): monkeys, robots, lasers. One or more will do. Now, admittedly, the last two pose problems from a historical standpoint, unless anyone wants to watch a tense Canadian docudrama about the space shuttle’s robotic arm — which is referred to so incessantly by the Canadian media whenever the words “space” and “shuttle” appear in a news item that I shall refrain from actually naming it — we’re left with monkeys.

Which are gold, by the way.

So here’s a freebie: Samuel de Chimplain, a cheeky historical drama based on the life of that darling of Canadian schoolchildren, explorer Samuel de Champlain. Only with all of the parts played by chimpanzees, in the vein of Lancelot Link: Secret Chimp.

I’d so watch that.

2 Responses to “Two Modest Suggestions for the Improvement of the Television Experience”

  1. 1 Ian

    Lancelot Link! Holy Flashback-out-of-the-blue, Batman!

  2. 2 Kathleen

    de Chimplain, yes. With Sidney Crosby, out on a limb, please? If you don’t know who he is, you don’t live in Nova Scotia. Cape Breton’s son, a MacLean, if you can believe it, has just landed back on earth and brushed his teeth having found another bolt to tighten on the space station after dropping the first one. Local CBC out here is like those heritage moments on pause.
    And Steve is at the UN dealing oil. After Hugo, who cares?

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