Guaranteeing Your Male Offspring Years of Therapy


There’s a special kind of excitement that fills the palatial hallways of casa bstewart when the new Hammacher Schlemmer catalog arrives, and it’s not just due to the renewed opportunity to say the words “Hammacher” and “Schlemmer” in rapid succession, ad infinitum. And, lemmetellya, if you don’t already know it, this year’s Christmas catalog trumps all the others. Hammacher Schlemmer Hammacher Schlemmer Hammacher Schlemmer Hammacher Schlemmer Hammacher Schlemmer Hammacher Schlemmer Hammacher Schlemmer!

I’ve barely had the opportunity to pore over the latest edition — whilst taking a crap — before I come upon That Gift, the one item that reeks of lives lived in excess, of human beings so bereft of common sense and fiscal sensibility that they’ll lay down outrageous coin to acquire items not just meaningless in today’s world, but actually possessing a power to make the new owner somehow less human. And here it is:

Hammacher Schlemmer Roadster Pedal Car
Not Jon-Benet Ramsay without a wig, but uncomfortably close.

You just know Santa will be hearing countless requests this Christmas from “3 to 5 year olds” simply aching for “the original luxury car of the 1930s that fulfilled the American driver’s desire for more automotive elegance than the Ford Model T that dominated the automobile market for 25 years”!

I can almost hear the incessant requests from young Hunter or Jasper: “Daddy, it would be ever so desirable to descend the staircase on Christmas morn’ and espy the glint of our Baccarat tree ornaments on the one-piece grill of a Classic 1932 Roadster Pedal Car!”

“Papa, look, see! It will support me even as I tip the scales at 200 pounds! Imagine the looks of envy on the faces of my contemporaries!”

Or “Father, whilst other children may request Playstations or rollerblades, I simply cannot exist another year without embracing the hand-stitched leatherette of this fine motor car replica! Oh, yes, they’ll laugh, they’ll point at and avoid me, but who will laugh as I pass them on the Road of Life in this elegant vehicle? Who?!

Please, don’t disappoint your heir. You must order by December 6th to ensure Christmas delivery. ($1999.95 + $200 S&H)

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