Actual Gay Conversations #9


An Open Letter To Anyone Even Contemplating Trying To
Convince Me To Go On A Gay Cruise

Dear You,

I know you mean well, really, but don’t. Just… don’t. I’m glad you had a terrific time on your gay cruise — and I say that without a trace of irony or sarcasm — but for me to engage in such a trip would be… excruciating. And it’s me, not you, You, so don’t get all… you know.

Allow me to explain:

  1. No Escape: Literally and figuratively. I have a hard enough time dealing with gay bars, in that when I want to leave I want to leave like right now, so any impediment to my immediate and complete withdrawal from that environment is problematic. You can see the obvious issue being on a boat at sea.
  2. Attire: I have three swimsuits (I think). These are all a person like me needs. You and I both know these three are simply not enough for a gay cruise.
  3. Music: Honestly, the music playing by the pool (or in the club (or hallway (or sauna))) will not be the kind of music to which I listen or enjoy. It will be the kind of music that sets into motion a sequence of events in which I wind up in jail.
  4. Entertainment: The effervescent buzz over the secret, headlining entertainment will not infect me, as the probability of Björk, The Dandy Warhols or Philip Glass Ensemble performing will rise no higher than zero.
  5. Food: I will eat twice as much if you even dare to say the word “carbs”.
  6. Drink: Any drink name ending in “tini” and not beginning with “mar” is a drink which shall not touch my lips.
  7. Millinery: A baseball cap, worn with the bill in the front, suits me fine. Wear it backwards and you look like a schoolboy (not a good look on a man in his 30s (or 40s (or 20s))) or like you’re about to blow the bartender, also not a good look (Mom, don’t read that last part).

    Sailor Hats Are god's Way of Hating The Gays Even More

    And don’t get me started on little sailor hats, which are neither fun nor cute. They are fucking hideous and a guaranteed boner-kill. Unless they’re worn by Simon Adebisi, who is both fun and cute.

  8. The Gays: As a group, I don’t much care for them. I’m not a fan of overlaughing and oversmiling, which is impossible to avoid on any boat lousy with gays. Their customs and traditions confuse and confound me. It’s better for everyone involved if we don’t mix.
  9. Hair: The acceptable number of fauxhawks in any environment is always zero. Your argument will carry more weight if you can guarantee this quantity on the cruise.
  10. Fun, Organized: There’s no such thing, and you should know better than to even think you could get me to participate in any kind of alleged Organized Fun. If I ever, ever went on a gay cruise, I can assure you that the only fun I would have would be at others’ expense. And, yes, I freely acknowledge that it is possible to have fun with one’s friends in any environment, but even my handsome and perfect boyfriend knows very well that “any environment” does not include “gay cruise”.

Like I said earlier, You, it’s me, not you. I know you’ll understand.


3 Responses to “Actual Gay Conversations #9”

  1. 1 MGF

    ok, OK, OK!!!! 🙂

  2. 2 bstewart23

    I’m sorry, MGF, but you’re the ninth friend who assumed I was referring specifically to you. The eighth friend was the winner of a fabulous dinner for two at Church Street’s renowned Village Rainbow eatery!

  3. 3 drew

    I have to agree highly with you on this.

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