An Open Letter to the Two Stupid, Old, Deranged, Sociopathic (and Possibly Alcoholic) Women in My Building

25Apr07

You, who walks my neighbour’s dog:
Shut up. Yelling in the hallway at the other neighbour’s dog, who barks at you when you come to take W____ for a walk, only makes the situation worse. You think yelling at him will make him stop barking? He only started because he heard you talking at full volume to yourself (and to every doorknob and mail slot you passed on the way down the hall) and/or because he heard the clink of ice in the rum-and-Coke you just couldn’t leave in your apartment and/or because he heard the snick of your lighter as you lit a cigarette in the very no-smoking hallway. And don’t look at me like I’m the one who’s batshit-crazy when I open my door to give you a whatthefuck? look.

You, who feeds the pigeons outside our building:
Cut it out. I mean it. Like, right now. They’re filthy, fat, germ-and-parasite-infested vermin who shit on all of our balconies, and the acidic, concrete-like residue of their birdie bowel movements etches the glass on all of our apartment windows. They nest everywhere and make retarded cooing sounds all night long. They have children out of wedlock. And they like our building and keep coming back because some idiot keeps attracting them here with piles and piles of birdseed, carefully placed beside the garbage dumpster. And that idiot would be you. And, by the way, now you’ve totally trained them to know where ample food supplies are when it’s too cold for you to come out with your sack. And don’t give me that “all God’s creatures need to eat” crap because, first, there is no god, so there goes your central thesis, right there. And, second, they’re fucking fat!

Hugs,
bstewart

I Can Get My Food By Myself
Tokyo Mon Amour



6 Responses to “An Open Letter to the Two Stupid, Old, Deranged, Sociopathic (and Possibly Alcoholic) Women in My Building”

  1. 1 Allan

    Get a rubber snake, hang it on your balcony, no nesting pigeons for you

  2. 2 bstewart23

    Now that’s one solution of which I haven’t yet heard. It might be worth a try, after the utter failure of pinwheels-in-planters, plastic-owls-wired-to-the-railing and hanging-CDs-from-the-roof-by-fishing-line. In my previous apartment (same building), I put up netting and that was a supereffective (though aesthetically questionable) fix. Also? Yay, snakes!

  3. 3 David D.

    While you’re at it, it sounds like you should release some real snakes in your apartment hallway.

  4. 4 S. Woody White

    Pigeons have children out of wedlock?

    But you live in Canada. Even gay couples can marry! What the heck is wrong with these pigeons?

  5. 5 Michael P

    It would be great. You would hear (from your own apartment)the yappy little shitball barking like a maniac, then a strangled yelp, followed by whimpering as the mutant rat thing dragged its body along the carpeted hallway floor, given to frequent spasms and spitting out blood. Doggy? Meet Mr. Mamba.

    Then you would have to listen briefly to the drunken shrieks of White Trash Wendy, as she falls to her scabby knees to cradle “Winston” or whatever stupid name she has bestowed on the roundworm rodent. Enter the cobra. “King” Cobra to the rest of you. And if that doesn’t do the trick, he has brought his friends Mr. Taipan (from Indonesia), Mrs. Gaboon Viper (from Gabon), Cousin Brown Snake (from Australia) and Uncle Fer de Lance (from Columbia). Yay multiculturalism! These deadly vipers have been brought to you courtesy of Immigration Canada and, now as Canadian residents, can never be removed from the country. Why? Because they have fuckin’ rights too! Just ask the Charter.

    Snakes on a motherfuckin’ cow!

  6. 6 bstewart23

    I knew mentioning snakes would be a mistake.


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